This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Randomize
