paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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