Cold hands, warm shart.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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