I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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