I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The ass gains better be worth it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
