its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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