I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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