Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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