I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
