I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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