i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
