she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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