I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize