its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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