Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
