my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
