Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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