I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
