Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize