dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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