and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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