I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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