I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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