My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Randomize