my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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