Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
