My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
