I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
