Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
