I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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