Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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