Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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