i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
