I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
