Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
