I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
