Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I see more hoeing in ur future
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