i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize