my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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