I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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