Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
