fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
