Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
