the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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