New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
