There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No more Irish car bombs ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
