so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
