I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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