Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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