i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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