Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
