Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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