I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
