During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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