Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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