I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
