Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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