five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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