Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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