Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
