allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
