girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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