I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
