i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
