she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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