god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
