you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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