just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
